I would like to take back everything I said before

(CHAD, sitting at home in the middle of the day with MADDY at his side, picks up the phone and dials.)


NATALIE: Hello?

CHAD: Hi, Natalie?

NATALIE: Who’s this?

CHAD: Chad.

NATALIE: I’m sorry?

CHAD: Chad—the really funny, good-looking guy you met in the bar the other night.

NATALIE: Oh, right. Chad. Um, I’m sorry—but did you just quote a line from Good Will Hunting?

CHAD: I did, as a matter of fact! That’s funny. You saw that movie too? Weird!

NATALIE: I think everyone saw that movie. It made like a hundred million dollars. Plus I was dating Matt Damon for a few weeks in 2004.

CHAD: That's cool. I saw it with my mom and aunt Kathy when I was 16 at the Showcase Cinema in Norwood.

NATALIE: Oh.

CHAD: Then I saw it again with my sister on a Friday night at the AMC in Newport.

NATALIE: Mmm.

CHAD: I guess you could say I didn't do a lot of the "dating" in high school.

NATALIE: I went to a high school in Dubai at a seminary run by Tibetan monks.

CHAD: Seminary? That's a funny word!

NATALIE: I guess.

CHAD: I set the record for longest continuous in-school suspension at my high school.

NATALIE: Really? I'm an honorary spokesperson for the United Nations Council on Humanitarian Relief.

CHAD: One time when I was 18 I let my friends give me an enema.

NATALIE: Are you serious?

CHAD: Yep. Easiest seven dollars I ever made.

NATALIE: How did you get this number?

CHAD: How indeed. Listen, Natty, I wanted to talk to you about something. When we were talking the other night, I may have misunderestimated your interest in me.

NATALIE: Really.

CHAD: See, I thought that you, being incredibly hot and smart and disease-free, would scoff at the advances of a plebian like me. Then today I'm browsing the Internet.com and find that I was clearly mistaken.

NATALIE: What are you talking about? Are you talking about my relationship with Stefano?

CHAD: Oh God, it gets better. His name is Stefano?

NATALIE: Yes, that's his name. And he happens to be a very bril—

CHAD: WAIT! Don't tell me. I know. "He happens to be a very brilliant director." Is he a director? It's either director or writer. God I hope he's not a writer, because I was going to use that schtick myself.

NATALIE: Stefano is a cinematographer, not a writer.

CHAD: Or much of a dresser. Nice culottes, Vanessa.

NATALIE: Chad, why are you calling me?

CHAD: I've made a mistake, Natalie. I made a mistake in not boning you. And I want to make good of that mistake.

NATALIE: How? By boning me?

CHAD: That's right, Natalie.

NATALIE: I don't know what to say.

CHAD: If religion is an issue, I'm willing to negotiate becoming a Jew. Also, anal.

NATALIE: What?

CHAD: Nothing.

NATALIE: I have to go.

CHAD: Will you sing me the happy birthday song?

NATALIE: No.

CHAD: BUT IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.

NATALIE: Goodbye, Chad.

(Click.)

HOLY SHIT IT'S NATALIE PORTMAN

Alex had a birthday party at Tom and Jerry's on Sunday. For reasons unrelated to me or Alex, Natalie Portman showed up. Cognizant of the fact that I had no chance of fucking her, I elected to do the next best thing: annoy the shit out of her. And it went a little sumpin like this:



CHAD: Hi Natalie.

NATALIE: Hi.

CHAD: My name’s Chad.

NATALIE: Nice to meet you.

CHAD: I saw on TMZ that you only bang Jews. Is that true?

NATALIE: Excuse me?

CHAD: It’s fine if you do. Most people assume I’m Jewish because I’m circumcised and kind of want to have sex with my mother. You ever read Portnoy’s Complaint? It’s like an excerpt from my diary.

NATALIE: Yes. I was an English major at Yale. I really like Philip Roth.

CHAD: Not that I keep a diary. More of a dream journal.

NATALIE: That’s nice.

CHAD: But back to you and the Jews. Notice that I didn’t specify Jewish guys. It’s because I also saw on TMZ that my little NatPo don’t discriminate on gender.

(Silence.)

CHAD: So I guess I’ll just ask the obvious question here: do the chicks have to be Jewish too?

(NATALIE looks at her watch, then realizes she’s not wearing one.)

CHAD: Because let’s be honest, Natty: they’re pretty high maintenance girlfriends. I mean, they’re no Pakistanis—talk about funless lying cunts—but they’re pretty rough. By the third date they’re all, “So would you ever consider converting?” And I’m all like, “Whoa, easy, Finkelstein! Is this Hebrew camp?” God, don’t get me started on those Jewish breeding camps they send their teenagers to.

NATALIE: I’m actually Jewish, you know. I was born in Israel.

CHAD: That’s cool! I’m totally fine with that! I’m incredibly cheap!

NATALIE: I see.

CHAD: One good thing—hell, one great thing—about Jewish girls: they like the rough stuff in bed.

NATALIE: Really.

CHAD: I swear to God—sorry, I mean G-d—there was this one girl named Amanda who asked me to bring a Duraflame to bed. A fucking DURAFLAME. Like for the fireplace.

NATALIE: Yes, we Jews love Duraflames.

CHAD: And then of course I’m the cheap asshole because I show up with a book of matches and some newspaper.

NATALIE: I can’t imagine she was happy with that.

CHAD: It’s like, a burn is a fucking burn. Why be a label whore about it?

NATALIE: Yep.

CHAD: Boy, you're quite the conversationalist, Natalie. That Yale education really shines through in social settings like these.

NATALIE: Thank you.

CHAD: Speaking of Yale, I went to the University of Cincinnati. They use a clipboard and a sign-up sheet rather than a formal application process. So looks like we have something in common.

NATALIE: My grandmother lives in Cincinnati. I visit her there sometimes.

CHAD: Yeah. Well, it's a pretty Jewy town. I actually met you once while you were visiting there. True story: I was working at a coffee place in Hyde Park Square and you came in with your grandma. Everyone started making a big deal about the fact that Natalie Portman was there, so I turned to your grandma and said, "Wow, ma'am. Are you famous?" You giggled, then you ordered a latte.

NATALIE: Sure, I remember you.

CHAD: Don't bullshit me, Nat. It belittles us both. My point is this: I gave you that latte for free even though you and I both know you and your Grandma Weinstein could sure as fuck afford it. Now it's time to pay the piper and buy me a drink.

NATALIE: Excuse me?

CHAD: I would like a Jameson on ice in a glass, please. Plus whatever you want. Then I want you to pose for a picture on my camera phone so I can tell my coworkers that I fucked you in the bathroom.

(Silence.)

CHAD: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LATTE, NATALIE.

NATALIE: Fine.

(NATALIE puts ten dollars on the bar.)

CHAD: Thanks. I'll be honest: I would totally have done you in Beautiful Girls.



NATALIE: I was 15 when I made that movie.

CHAD: 15 like a fox.

NATALIE: It was nice meeting you, Chad.

CHAD: I'm single, you know. Just in case you were wondering.

NATALIE: Thanks.

CHAD: WILL YOU SING ME THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG?

NATALIE: No.

(NATALIE exits.)