NATALIE: Hello?
CHAD: Hi, Natalie?
NATALIE: Who’s this?
CHAD: Chad.
NATALIE: I’m sorry?
CHAD: Chad—the really funny, good-looking guy you met in the bar the other night.
NATALIE: Oh, right. Chad. Um, I’m sorry—but did you just quote a line from Good Will Hunting?
CHAD: I did, as a matter of fact! That’s funny. You saw that movie too? Weird!
NATALIE: I think everyone saw that movie. It made like a hundred million dollars. Plus I was dating Matt Damon for a few weeks in 2004.
CHAD: That's cool. I saw it with my mom and aunt Kathy when I was 16 at the Showcase Cinema in Norwood.
NATALIE: Oh.
CHAD: Then I saw it again with my sister on a Friday night at the AMC in Newport.
NATALIE: Mmm.
CHAD: I guess you could say I didn't do a lot of the "dating" in high school.
NATALIE: I went to a high school in Dubai at a seminary run by Tibetan monks.
CHAD: Seminary? That's a funny word!
NATALIE: I guess.
CHAD: I set the record for longest continuous in-school suspension at my high school.
NATALIE: Really? I'm an honorary spokesperson for the United Nations Council on Humanitarian Relief.
CHAD: One time when I was 18 I let my friends give me an enema.
NATALIE: Are you serious?
CHAD: Yep. Easiest seven dollars I ever made.
NATALIE: How did you get this number?
CHAD: How indeed. Listen, Natty, I wanted to talk to you about something. When we were talking the other night, I may have misunderestimated your interest in me.
NATALIE: Really.
CHAD: See, I thought that you, being incredibly hot and smart and disease-free, would scoff at the advances of a plebian like me. Then today I'm browsing the Internet.com and find that I was clearly mistaken.
NATALIE: What are you talking about? Are you talking about my relationship with Stefano?
CHAD: Oh God, it gets better. His name is Stefano?
NATALIE: Yes, that's his name. And he happens to be a very bril—
CHAD: WAIT! Don't tell me. I know. "He happens to be a very brilliant director." Is he a director? It's either director or writer. God I hope he's not a writer, because I was going to use that schtick myself.
NATALIE: Stefano is a cinematographer, not a writer.
CHAD: Or much of a dresser. Nice culottes, Vanessa.
NATALIE: Chad, why are you calling me?
CHAD: I've made a mistake, Natalie. I made a mistake in not boning you. And I want to make good of that mistake.
NATALIE: How? By boning me?
CHAD: That's right, Natalie.
NATALIE: I don't know what to say.
CHAD: If religion is an issue, I'm willing to negotiate becoming a Jew. Also, anal.
NATALIE: What?
CHAD: Nothing.
NATALIE: I have to go.
CHAD: Will you sing me the happy birthday song?
NATALIE: No.
CHAD: BUT IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.
NATALIE: Goodbye, Chad.
(Click.)
1 comment:
Chad, this is Natalie. I think we should keep our relationship where it is now. You know, where we don't speak or see each other and in my case, don't even think of the other. The thing is, my vagina is so powerful it's making other people famous. Stefano dropped it in me and now he's a household name. A vagina like this would be wasted on you. I want you to know, I want to have sex with other people, Nay, better people than you. And when I say better I mean they're smarter, more attractive, better dressed, more successful, better smelling, better dressing, cooler, more talented and even funnier than you.
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